Thursday, January 12, 2012

Asking Forgiviness

I've written about forgiveness on this blog before, but recently some things have made rethink just how easily I forgive others. I know that we are to forgive over and over, because we are sinner and are constantly given forgiveness by our Savior. I don't know if I truly know how to forgive. I think I know how to become indifferent, to move on, to forget. But true forgiveness? I honestly don't know.

What do you think? How do we truly forgive? How do we feel love for those who have hurt us? How do we move past the indifference into that place of love? And why is that even if we do really want to forgive, those feelings won't come.

I've been wrestling with these question for over a month and still don't have answers. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


I know most people roll their eyes at the thought of resolutions and those who make them, but think it's a great tradition. A fresh start. A new beginning. Hopefulness. All good things to me. In fact they remind me of the new mercies we receive daily and where would I be without this amazing gift. I've never really made resolutions, but I'm a big fan on making plans and to do lists. This year is no different, however, for some reason the goals and plans seem bigger and more challenging. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or maybe it's because there are some big plans in my future.

The biggest area for change is in my spiritual life. For the past few months I've definitely veered off track and it's not something I'm proud of. Isn't it funny how moment you take your focus of Christ you can feel yourself spiral out of control. I'm not talking about difficult things happening to you in life. I'm talking about when you find your behavior going on a downhill spiral. You're snappy, short tempered, easily frustrated. Your relationship begin to unravel and all the while you're racking your brain trying to figure out what happened. For me the answer has been there all along and I just decided to continue on my path of stupidity. Now here I am broken and lost, finally admitting to you my big secret. My spiritual life has been terrible.

One of the areas I need to work on is church attendance. Am I the only Christian that struggles with this? The crazy part is that I love my church! LOVE IT! But each week the thought of being in a corporate setting instead of being alone just seems like too much for me. It's no secret that I'm not a fan of people, it's one of the perks of being an introvert. Corporate worship just makes me feel intimidated and insecure which I'm sure is just more of Satan's lies keeping me from living in the truth of the Gospel. For the past bit I've put my lack of attendance off on sickness and pain, both of which were technically true. However, I do know that I could have and some days should have pushed myself and so far I'm off to a good start. People who exercise tell me that they always dread going, but once they get there they're so happy they went. I've yet to experience this phenomenon at the gym, but I always feel this way about church.

There are a few other areas of my spiritual life that I'm working on, but this is one I wanted to share with you. I ask for your prayers and I promise to continue to be transparent with  you on my journey.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Lesson Learned

Yesterday was the first day of the new semester so I thought I'd take a look back and Fall and recap some of the lessons learned along the way:

1. After three years I'm definitely a changed person. Honestly, my first few years in seminary I loved throwing that around when I met people. I loved the attention I got and sometimes felt it made me a better Christian just by saying it. However, now that I'm in the middle of my third year, I realize that seminary and a life of faith can be mutually exclusive. I'm finally shedding some of my pride and understanding the priviledge of being  a seminarian, especially at my current school. I am humbled by my classmates and their extensive knowledge of the Bible, their ability to speak eloquently in front of the room and their true hearts for Christ. It's my prayer I can become a person who is worthy of being in seminary because right now I falling flat. Seriously.

2. I'm a lazy student: I get by, I do well, but I'm short changing myself. When I was working, there just weren't the hours in the day to get everything done, so I cut myself some slack. Now it's just pure laziness. I have big plans to change that going forward.

3. You just have to do the work: I let exegesis freak me out for years. Now that I've finally done it, it's certainly not one of my favorite things to do, but it's not all bad either. I'm actually happy that there's so much emphasis placed on the process and I more aware of the weight of my words when I'm using scripture. Without the proper understanding of the passage, it's context and and clear interpretation I could do more damage than good.

4. I need help: Without the assistance of some of my classmates I would not make it through, and I do my best to return the favor whenever I can. I touched on this in previous posts and I feel stronger about this now more than ever.

5. I don't know my plan: And I'm so happy with that. I'm a seminarian. I own a catering business. These two things do not seem to go together, and I get questions about that almost daily. I don't have the answers and for the first time in a long time, I'm not looking for answer. I'm content living into each day as it is. It's such a lovely way to live right now.