Asking Forgiviness

I've written about forgiveness on this blog before, but recently some things have made rethink just how easily I forgive others. I know that we are to forgive over and over, because we are sinner and are constantly given forgiveness by our Savior. I don't know if I truly know how to forgive. I think I know how to become indifferent, to move on, to forget. But true forgiveness? I honestly don't know.

What do you think? How do we truly forgive? How do we feel love for those who have hurt us? How do we move past the indifference into that place of love? And why is that even if we do really want to forgive, those feelings won't come.

I've been wrestling with these question for over a month and still don't have answers. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Plans

I know most people roll their eyes at the thought of resolutions and those who make them, but think it's a great tradition. A fresh start. A new beginning. Hopefulness. All good things to me. In fact they remind me of the new mercies we receive daily and where would I be without this amazing gift. I've never really made resolutions, but I'm a big fan on making plans and to do lists. This year is no different, however, for some reason the goals and plans seem bigger and more challenging. Maybe it's because I'm getting older or maybe it's because there are some big plans in my future.

The biggest area for change is in my spiritual life. For the past few months I've definitely veered off track and it's not something I'm proud of. Isn't it funny how moment you take your focus of Christ you can feel yourself spiral out of control. I'm not talking about difficult things happening to you in life. I'm talking about when you find your behavior going on a downhill spiral. You're snappy, short tempered, easily frustrated. Your relationship begin to unravel and all the while you're racking your brain trying to figure out what happened. For me the answer has been there all along and I just decided to continue on my path of stupidity. Now here I am broken and lost, finally admitting to you my big secret. My spiritual life has been terrible.

One of the areas I need to work on is church attendance. Am I the only Christian that struggles with this? The crazy part is that I love my church! LOVE IT! But each week the thought of being in a corporate setting instead of being alone just seems like too much for me. It's no secret that I'm not a fan of people, it's one of the perks of being an introvert. Corporate worship just makes me feel intimidated and insecure which I'm sure is just more of Satan's lies keeping me from living in the truth of the Gospel. For the past bit I've put my lack of attendance off on sickness and pain, both of which were technically true. However, I do know that I could have and some days should have pushed myself and so far I'm off to a good start. People who exercise tell me that they always dread going, but once they get there they're so happy they went. I've yet to experience this phenomenon at the gym, but I always feel this way about church.

There are a few other areas of my spiritual life that I'm working on, but this is one I wanted to share with you. I ask for your prayers and I promise to continue to be transparent with  you on my journey.

Lesson Learned

Yesterday was the first day of the new semester so I thought I'd take a look back and Fall and recap some of the lessons learned along the way:

1. After three years I'm definitely a changed person. Honestly, my first few years in seminary I loved throwing that around when I met people. I loved the attention I got and sometimes felt it made me a better Christian just by saying it. However, now that I'm in the middle of my third year, I realize that seminary and a life of faith can be mutually exclusive. I'm finally shedding some of my pride and understanding the priviledge of being  a seminarian, especially at my current school. I am humbled by my classmates and their extensive knowledge of the Bible, their ability to speak eloquently in front of the room and their true hearts for Christ. It's my prayer I can become a person who is worthy of being in seminary because right now I falling flat. Seriously.

2. I'm a lazy student: I get by, I do well, but I'm short changing myself. When I was working, there just weren't the hours in the day to get everything done, so I cut myself some slack. Now it's just pure laziness. I have big plans to change that going forward.

3. You just have to do the work: I let exegesis freak me out for years. Now that I've finally done it, it's certainly not one of my favorite things to do, but it's not all bad either. I'm actually happy that there's so much emphasis placed on the process and I more aware of the weight of my words when I'm using scripture. Without the proper understanding of the passage, it's context and and clear interpretation I could do more damage than good.

4. I need help: Without the assistance of some of my classmates I would not make it through, and I do my best to return the favor whenever I can. I touched on this in previous posts and I feel stronger about this now more than ever.

5. I don't know my plan: And I'm so happy with that. I'm a seminarian. I own a catering business. These two things do not seem to go together, and I get questions about that almost daily. I don't have the answers and for the first time in a long time, I'm not looking for answer. I'm content living into each day as it is. It's such a lovely way to live right now.

Crying Out

So it's no secret that I struggle with pride, and recently I've actually started to realize that this "little issue" needs to addressed. I've had lots of things going on in my life recently and since I'm a total idiot, I tried to handle everything on my own. Clearly that was a fail. When I was finally feeling like I was going to drown I did something I rarely do. I cried out to the Lord. I mean literally cried out. As in "I need help right now! This is what I need"  and proceeded to tell God what I needed. And you know, it worked.

Now, before we go further I must clear up a few things. First, God is not Santa Claus. I do not believe we should go to God with a list of wants and read them off expecting them to show up minutes or days later. Secondly, just because I want something doesn't necessarily mean I need it. Sometimes, whether I realize it or not, I need the no more than the yes. Finally, I wasn't always crying out for material, physical things. For instance, today I stepped out of denial and acknowledged that I have a ton of work to do for school and I've been too sick to work on it. I finally cried out "please help me. I made a commitment to school that I would like to honor, but I cannot do this while feeling so sick." After that, I didn't sit around waiting for the Angel of Head Colds to stop by; instead, I opened my Bible and my laptop and started working. Except for a few breaks, I didn't stop until I had finished one big assignment.

At this point you're probably thinking "I didn't know there was an Angel of Head Colds" and "that was just you stopping your lazy streak, not divine intervention." I can see your point there. What I will say is that I've been trying and trying to finish this assignment for almost a month. Every time, I've not been able to finish more than one question without succumbing to illness and/or pain. Today I asked for help and I finished. This isn't my only example, but it's the most recent. For me, it's not about getting a yes. It's about setting my pride aside and asking for help.

I NEED HELP!!

Whew, that felt great. I never, ever say that out loud. I never, ever admit that I need help. Maybe I should write that on a post-it note and stick that somewhere so I'll remember it. Such a small sentence. Such a huge concept. We need help.

Life Together

One of my favorite things about seminary is that it has forced me to ask for help. I still struggle in this area when it comes to my health, but I have made huge improvements thanks to my classmates. In college (undergrad and grad school) I used to dread group projects. I'm sure some of you have awful group project stories you can tell. You're asked to put your trust and your grade in the hands of people you barely know. For me, it most always ended with me up all hours of the night working alone or maybe with one other person trying to pull together a respectable presentation. I'm probably going to have nightmares about this tonight. However, life in seminary has been wonderfully different. I think it's because we're actively trying to put aside our selfishness.

I know I struggled with undiagnosed selfishness for years. It wasn't until my late twenties that I realized how much I put my needs ahead of others and how that could (and maybe had) destroy some relationships. My friends have taught me about the value of caring for one another, how living life in community can enrich your experiences and how learning to trust people can be healing. It's nice feeling like I'm part of something, like there are people who care about me for no reason other than the fact that they like who I am as person. They don't want anything from me except friendship; this is such a rare and amazing treat. Recently, I've had to miss classes and my classmates have stepped right up and helped me keep up with my work. When I have panic attacks before speaking in class, they are encouraging and to quote one of my professors "a non-anxious presence." Who would have thought that the girl who liked to work alone and dreaded group projects would one day look forward to working with others?

I'm trying to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life. I think it's easy for me to push people away and feel as if it would better for me to try to figure out life on my own. I think I'm comfortable not trusting people and assuming that life would be easier if I just didn't ask anyone for help. What I've learned is that this is a big fat lie. A few weeks ago I was teaching and mentioned how Satan's lies are so much easier to believe than the Truth of the Gospel. I feel so strongly about this. Everyday we hear Satan's lies, either from others or from ourselves. For me, it's the lie of loneliness and that people can never be trusted ever. Wow, even typing that I realize how crazy it sounds. This is why it's important for us to build each other up and shout the truth to your friends and family as loudly as you can, through both actions and words. You must be the truth for those drowning in lies. I know I'm trying very hard to fill this roll. How about you?

Pardon the Interruption

I'm trying to use this blog to focus on what I am learning rather than my personal life, however, it seems that my personal is interrupting my studies. So rather than pretend that this isn't happening, I thought I would share what's going on with you.

First, I came down with a bug last week which pretty much wiped me out. Also, I've been having severe pain and numbness in my right hand and arm for a while now. I've pretty much lost the ability to hand write and recently typing has become a challenge. When I went to my doctor, she did two things. First, I am officially on bed rest (or a version of that). I am to do nothing but rest which is super difficult for me. Second, she examined my arms and my other muscles and it turns out that I have widespread muscle pain. That means that every muscle she examined is very sensitive to the touch. Right now she thinks that it's fibromyalgia.

So what does that mean? Well, right now it means I am exhausted. Too exhausted to move, to think, to be a productive student. It means I'm in pain, which means I'm taking pain medicine, pain medicine I am thankful for but makes me sleepy. I just sent an email to my professor explaining my situation and asking for an extension. I feel like a slacker and a failure. I remember the last time I was in grad school and started chemotherapy treatments to save my failing kidneys. The first time I had to miss class because I was too tired to walk, I burst into tears. Right now, I'm laying on the couch fighting back the tears, trying to let go my pride and respect my body. I know I push myself too hard. I hate seeing myself as a sick person so instead I tend to overcompensate. I take on more, do more, get less sleep, and push my body beyond it's limits. But there are consequences for my actions and bed rest is one of them.

I am not writing to garner sympathy or pity. I just like to be honest with you and honestly, I'm tired. And sad. And mad at myself for being sad. Man, being a girl is complicated. Way too many emotions colliding at once. Anyway, that's life right now. Once I get over myself I may be able to see that despite my current circumstances, life is pretty good.

Full

I am FULL. Every Saturday I go to school, learn something brilliant and think "I must blog that!" Then I go to church on Sunday and feel the same way. Same after I teach Bible study on Tuesday mornings and night. I'm learning so much about what it really means to follow Christ and to love others. It's wonderful to begin to tear down all of my previous assumptions and put on a new perspective. It's also hard because I'm convicted daily of my speech and actions.

I my main point is that we all get this way from time to time. You hear an amazing sermon, read a good devotional or have a meaningful conversation with a friend. You fill inspire, loved, humbled, FULL. But the question of the day is, so what? So what that you feel good? What are we doing with this? What am I doing with this feeling? Do I share it? Sometimes. But most often I just walk around, happy to be a Christian and nothing more. How stupid.

Don't get me wrong, I love feeling full and I think it's great to feel this way but that's only half of our call. I once hear a pastor say that as Christians we come to the cross and then cling so tight that we forget about the call to go out and tell others. I am by no means saying that we should force feed our beliefs to people. I do believe that our actions can and should do the talking. Unfortunately, that's where I drop the ball most often. The fact is that Satan is a liar and has been lying to people for generations and generations. Sadly, it's easier for people to believe the lies of Satan than the Truth of gospel, especially since we rarely share this truth. When I see how Christians behave sometimes (myself included) it shocks me that anyone would want to be Christian. What happened to being light and salt?

Sorry, didn't mean to get preachy on you. I'm actually yelling at myself not at you. My challenge is to make sure I'm living a life that causes people to ask questions.