Friday, November 11, 2011

Pardon the Interruption

I'm trying to use this blog to focus on what I am learning rather than my personal life, however, it seems that my personal is interrupting my studies. So rather than pretend that this isn't happening, I thought I would share what's going on with you.

First, I came down with a bug last week which pretty much wiped me out. Also, I've been having severe pain and numbness in my right hand and arm for a while now. I've pretty much lost the ability to hand write and recently typing has become a challenge. When I went to my doctor, she did two things. First, I am officially on bed rest (or a version of that). I am to do nothing but rest which is super difficult for me. Second, she examined my arms and my other muscles and it turns out that I have widespread muscle pain. That means that every muscle she examined is very sensitive to the touch. Right now she thinks that it's fibromyalgia.

So what does that mean? Well, right now it means I am exhausted. Too exhausted to move, to think, to be a productive student. It means I'm in pain, which means I'm taking pain medicine, pain medicine I am thankful for but makes me sleepy. I just sent an email to my professor explaining my situation and asking for an extension. I feel like a slacker and a failure. I remember the last time I was in grad school and started chemotherapy treatments to save my failing kidneys. The first time I had to miss class because I was too tired to walk, I burst into tears. Right now, I'm laying on the couch fighting back the tears, trying to let go my pride and respect my body. I know I push myself too hard. I hate seeing myself as a sick person so instead I tend to overcompensate. I take on more, do more, get less sleep, and push my body beyond it's limits. But there are consequences for my actions and bed rest is one of them.

I am not writing to garner sympathy or pity. I just like to be honest with you and honestly, I'm tired. And sad. And mad at myself for being sad. Man, being a girl is complicated. Way too many emotions colliding at once. Anyway, that's life right now. Once I get over myself I may be able to see that despite my current circumstances, life is pretty good.

2 comments:

Leigh said...

Love you, friend.

Trapp said...

Baby we will both struggle well with life together. Your not in this alone. I love you