Pride and Perfection

I'm writing this post because I have an assignment for Old Testament that has me paralyzed with fear. I've actually been working on it for weeks, but I'm not sure I'm doing it correctly which overwhelms me, so I stop. Then after a few days I realize I do actually need to complete the assignment and the cycle starts all over again. I know part of the problem is that I like doing well in school; I've grown accustomed to it. However, seminary is different. I remember during orientation (and several times since) they told us that they do not give A's. I could run down the myriad of emotions and reactions I had to this statement, but we only have so much time. Anyway, over the past few years (and a few A's), I finally understand what they mean. Seminary is not about grades, it's about God. We're learning so we can impart our knowledge, not to show off grades. I love my seminary and for the most part I've loved our assignments. But this is different. It's different because I've become wrapped in getting in right as opposed to truly learning and I don't know how to stop. I don't want to be wrong. I don't respond well when I'm wrong. Uggh.

Several years ago I did a Bible study and one thing that struck me was a comment about being a perfectionist. Before this, I blame many of my behavior on perfectionism. I used to wear it like a badge of honor. But this study talked about how our perfectionism is rooted in pride. Every time we feel like we have to be perfect, or that in order for things to be done perfectly, we must do them- this is pride. It's our pride that tricks us into thinking that we are perfect. It is our pride that makes us believe that the world will stop if we don't have our hands in every little thing. And it is my pride that makes me strive for an A instead of learning the lesson of this assignment.

I'm nearing the end of the post and honestly, I don't feel much better. However, I do know that I'm going to finish the assignment and the grade I receive will not kill me. I also know that my pride has made do things worse than this and Lord forgave me those too.